There are days where I am an ungrateful wretch for all the Universe, God/dess, Creator, Deity, etc. has given me and mine. I am ungrateful, not because I feel in any way that I deserve more, but simply because I am tired, stressed, aching, and so very sick in so very many ways. I forget to be to thankful for the abundance of goodness and wonder in my life. I get so caught up in all the drama of all the negativity and sheer stress that I never stop to embrace the good things. Even if those good things are small miracles or big ones like having all my basic needs met, I still forget to stop and thank Deity for all of it.
I have been so busy with the setting up and rearranging of our new home. Yes, it’s a fucking disaster. Yes, it needs more work than I can even begin to list. Yes, it has character and characters. Yes, half the wiring need to be done as well as over half the plumbing. BUT! I have a safe and secure roof over not only my head, but the heads of two of the most important things to me, my youngest daughter and my younger brother. We have clean running water, functional indoor plumbing, a functional stove and oven, we have clean clothes to wear, and food to eat… Yes, I have been sick for the last couple weeks and as usual my body and I are at war. BUT! My brother has a job and he is helping with the house a he can, the Squish has made new friends already and they actually enjoy coming over and helping me with the house in exchange for access to my music and some change for the ice cream truck. So, it is slowly coming together.
What all this comes down to is that each day we are forced to face our mortality every day. Whether it’s watching our step as we walk out the door to go about our day or it’s losing a friend, family member, random stranger, or an icon we’ve looked up to all our lives. Yesterday I lay in a hospital bed listening to the rattling cough of a woman that was so close to her death bed, that her family stood around and simply waited. On the other side of me was another woman who was so sick and the doctors were asking her not to sign a DNR while her daughter held her and cried. And while I sat on my gurney, curtained between these two women, and awaited yet more blood work to go through all I could think of in that moment was how agitated I was that I didn’t even get the dignity of my own room and a little quiet space where my daughter could cuddle with me and my brother could call his job and check in. I was agitated at the wait. I had been so sick I was throwing up none stop, I had been spiking fevers and cold sweats on and off for days, I was so sick I couldn’t stand on my own volition. And I wanted to get the needed care I was promised and fucking go home. In that moment, it didn’t matter to me that there were people literally dying in the cubbies near me, I just wanted to go home and pass out in the comfort of my home. GODS ABOVE AND BELOW!!!! I was such a horrible and ungrateful wretch in that moment, and it didn’t hit me until about 4 AM this morning that I had been a horrible, snarly, downright bitch at some points in my night.
I had damn near ripped the RN’s head off on multiple occasions as she damn near killed me about three times along with almost using latex and latex based materials on me. The Dr.’s kept ordering medication that I am extremely allergic to, the nurses kept trying to kick my brother and daughter out of the tiny cubby they had stashed me in (even though the only reason I was staying calm was Isa holding my hand and talking me down every time I had to fight not to be given the drugs that might kill me instead of heal me), and they kept offering to let me have some water, a warm blanket, something to help with my blood sugar…. Only to return an hour later and not have any of it. It was terribly long ass night.
But when I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep at four this morning. It all kind of hit me. I only saw two nurses on rotation on our floor, one tech, two PCAs, a registration tech, and two actual docs for an entire ER floor. Talk about shorthanded! And even though they were all run ragged and had their hands beyond overflowing they managed to be kind, civil, caring, and most of the time even smiling and with good cheer. I know beyond a doubt that I could not have pulled off half the hell they did with even an iota of their sheer strength of will and dedication….
I have so much in my life to be grateful for today. So here I sit at my computer and I say thank you to the men and women who work in the worst possible professions of medical fields and hold the hands of the sick and dying, the grieving, and the ungrateful. And they do it by choice and by will and by sheer strength of character.
I thank the Universe and all that it represents for me, I thank Deity for all that it has taught me and give me. I thank the Lord and Lady God and Goddess for hearing my prayers when I asked for so much and then still complained that it was not enough. I thank my mother for all the sacrifices she has made these past 32 years so that I could survive and become the stronger and better person I am today. I thank my “father” who chose to be in my life, not because of some fluke of genetics, but because he loved me for me and gave us this home we have now (damn near for free). I thank my brother Isa, who in so many ways is my strongest ally, my confidant, my best friend, and until my daughter came along one of my biggest supporters for me not hurting myself in all the wrong ways. I thank my Squishy who even at the age of 9 has more wisdom and grace than multitudes that are decades older than her. She above everyone else can make me smile with a silly look, a random hug, an ice cold glass water as I work without ever being asked, silly questions, nights filled with laughter and joy, and nights spent cuddling close and whispering of our dreams for the future. How can I not be grateful for all that I have and have been given? I am truly blessed and loved and those are great things to be thankful for.
I will try to be more grateful for all that I have in the future. I will strive to live my life to the fullest and prove that I am worthy of the wonders that the Universe has given me. I will push myself to wake with thoughts of gratefulness not matter how sick or tired I am. I am blessed with so much, I don’t have room for the negativity. I just have to remember that fact.
I love you. You are beautiful. You have an amazing smile. You are worthwhile. You have meaning and purpose. No matter what part of your journey you are on, you are not alone. I wish you peace and joy and your journeys where ever they may take you.