Goody. Time for another personal psychological evaluation. What fun. I will cover 5 fears that I have. They may not be my biggest, deepest, darkest fears. But they will all be legit. So here goes.
Fear Number One: Being permanently disabled beyond the help of medical treatment. Being stuck not being able to care for myself or my family for the rest of my life scares the hell out of me. The thought of not being able to be an active part of my daughters’s and granddaughter’s lives terrifies me. Never having the physical freedom to go rock climbing, backpacking, camping, swimming, running, etc… To be stuck without freedom because my body simply can’t take any more damage and it simply can’t heal any more. I love my freedom and I am not sure my mind would survive without it.
Fear Number Two: Not being enough for my youngest daughter. Not being good enough, healthy enough, functional enough, smart enough, brave enough, simply not enough for all her needs. I fear I will not be able to give her the tools she needs to survive this scary new world we have created for our children. I fear I will not be enough and not be able to give her enough to go out into the world and make a life for herself. I fear I will fail her when she needs me the most. I fear that when everything is said and done, she will look back at the life I struggled to give her and simply won’t be enough.
Fear Number Three: My rights as a citizen will be taken from me and my fellow country men when this next election is over. I have a fear that my religious freedoms, my right of free speech, my right to bear arms, along with so many other freedoms will be ripped away from me by the government that has been allowed to be in office. I do not want to be burned at the stake because I worship more than one deity or simply because I was baptized in the wrong church. I don’t want my home raided because I enjoy going to the shooting range with my friends and family. I don’t want to be thrown in jail and lose custody of my child because someone was offended by something I said in passing or a book I published. I don’t want my daughter growing up in a world where the word “Freedom” is a foreign concept. It is bad enough that schools are teaching our young children that “Freedom has consequences and isn’t always a good thing…” I kid you not, I was quoting my daughter’s social studies book right there.
Fear Number Four: I will never feel safe enough to allow myself to fall in love again. I love many people. But I am not in love with a single one of them. I love my children, my mother and brother, my mother’s husband, my nephews and their mother, I love my uncle and Aunt…. I love my family with and without genetic connections. I love many of my friends. But I am not in love with anyone. I was in love, so deeply that it carved a piece of my heart and soul out and never healed. I loved so completely that I allowed myself to be happy in that love. I allowed myself to trust and share my deepest, darkest pieces of myself. I gave my everything, my entire being to that love. I allowed myself to have hopes and dreams that I had never even known were in my heart until I fell in love. But that love ruined me for all others. It was not real, it was not true, it was just a game but one of the best in the game. That wound still aches and bleeds. I fear I will never heal, never learn to love like that again. I fear I will never be able to allow myself that depth of emotion with another being of any kind ever again. I hope my fears are wrong. But I just don’t know.
Fear Number Five: I will never get published internationally with a big name publisher. I love writing. Writing is my freaking life. I write when I’m stressed. I write when I’m happy. I write to get release. I write for pleasure and I write for pain. Writing is my escape to and from everything. I have this notion that I am a decent writer. I can tell a great tale, my characters are wonderfully ingenious creations of my muse, I have a good sense of what’s what in my books, etc. But I fear that I will never make it in the bog leagues. I fear I will never be on the top sellers list of anyone. I fear that agents will read my work and think it drivel. I fear the upper high end publishers will frown at my work and think it too much or not enough for their brand. And let me tell you, I want nothing more than to be an internationally renowned author. I want my characters to live forever in the archives of history. I want my name and the names of my books to be a common place thing. But I fear that I am simply not good enough to cut it…
Alright my dear reader I’ve opened up and laid my soul open for you to dissect. Tell me, what do you fear the most?